An Empath of a Different Kind

All my life, I’ve been told that I’m cold.

And all my life, I’ve also been told that I’m too sensitive.

I guess people can’t quite figure me out.

I see myself with my daughter and my boyfriend, and I know that I Feel Everything. Sometimes way too much. My daughter is amazed at how much I get when we speak about emotions or bad stuff that happens. I have no problem connecting with the special chosen ones in my life, or simply people who are on the same wave length as I am.

I am highly empathic.

And yet…

When tragedy happens, and people are killed for some stupid reason,  I go “meh”.

In fact, I just get annoyed when people are changing profile pictures and whatnot, making everything worse by giving it attention. I’m not even gonna pretend that it affects me in any other way. It’s just the way it is.

I’m just… somewhat cold.

Unless you turn to nature.

Show me a cut forest, and my heart aches as I see the stumps bleed.

Show me a deer calf in the road, dead, and I can’t get it out of my head for the next years to come.

Tell me you are going to jeopardize my nature by expanding the local airport, and you’ll have me wandering the area like a mad woman, sending angry texts about it to whoever will listen, watching and worrying over the birds that will soon become homeless and quite possibly extinct in the end.

Cut the grass and the flowers before they’ve even had time to seed themselves, and I rip my hair out in frustration, wondering what the hell is wrong with people or the biology teacher they obviously didn’t pay attention to.

*

I have been wondering what this is all about.

How come I can feel nature so very deeply, and be so totally indifferent to people in general?

Shouldn’t people be the closest to me?

The truth is…

I think…

That people have left. They are disconnected. They have hung up on nature, and thus, they have cut the chord to me as well.

All of the living things on this beautiful planet are interconnected in a wonderful web of life energy. But there is one species missing, while it still has a massive impact on the ecology.

Even the most educated and enlightened individuals speak of healing the gap between nature and human kind.

As if they are two different things.

As if there could ever be a true separation.

As if humans are somehow unnatural. Cyborgs.

(And yes, that is a reference to Donna Haraway’s A Cyborg Manifesto)

Last time I checked, my body was 100% organic.

It needs water. Food from the earth itself. Clean air. And when it’s buried someday, it will feed a gazillion little creatures and become earth again itself.

How can it be, then, that we should heal the gap between human and nature? There is no distinction here – it’s all in our minds. And in the way we live, separated from our roots.

And that totally fake separation is messing it up for everyone.

The problem isn’t a gap.

The problem is a perceived gap.

And that is a failure of the senses. A cognitive misinterpretation.

It’s not reality. It’s something that has gone wrong inside of our species. Or most of it, anyway. It’s a damage and a disease, purely cultural.

And that disconnect… That is why I find it so hard to emphatically connect to certain people or humanity as a general concept, I think. My world is so full, so alive, so buzzing with vibrant energy, that the weak signals of a species who has chosen to disconnect kinda just gets lost before it reaches me.

I don’t know what I should do about this.

Should I tune in a little bit more? Can my heart deal with so much all at once, or will it explode?

Should I just be glad and thankful that I am, after all, protected a lot better than most people seem to be?

Should I try to fix the damage inside of people’s heads? Even if I can’t feel all that much for them?

*

For now, I think I’ll just settle with the thought that there can be such a thing as being an empath without actually connecting with all of humanity, but instead connecting deeply with nature.

I keep reading about empaths and how it is to be one, and I think “yeah, but….” and move on. There’s something missing from that picture, it’s too self-occupied. Humans and animals, yes, but there is so much more to it than that.

I once became saddened by the thought of the mountain they had to smash in order to make the road. One night I started crying because I saw an old picture of my home town, and I saw what they had done to this place. That’s how deeply it goes for me.

And I am sure I cannot be alone.

Maybe we need to start talking about this.

How there can be different kinds of empaths.

And how we are supposed to use that gift.

*

I know some of my readers (if you are still with me, sorry for being absent for so long), probably have ideas about this. Feel free to comment and share! 🙂

 

 

 

Photo by Rene Mensen

About Nienna

has written 171 post in this blog.

Ageless book nymph and forest fairy. Constantly involved in too many projects. So many books, so little time! IDNO a time machine.

1 Comment

  1. I thought I was quite alone feeling like this, so thanks for writing about it! 🙂 I can also appear quite cold, but the truth is that I feel very deeply and I’m very sensitive. Most of it is directed towards the natural world. I’m sure this might be a part of an INFP personality… 😉 Also, did you know that autistic people are known for being cold and without feelings, when in fact the opposite is true, they usually feel everything too strongly. Not that we are autistic, but I’m sure you understand my point 🙂 I’ve got quite ambivalent feelings towards humanity, I’m a misantrophe trying to be a philantrophe I suppose.

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